From my heart

Our minds do weird things when we are confronted the the possibility of impending death or suffering.  Technically I was not in that situation, but the doctor gently urged me to do an abdominal sonar. And there was some concern in his voice. Why? Because the hepatitis tests proved to be negative, I did not squirm with pain when he did a pressure test on my gall bladder, and we have a family history of pancreas cancer. So until I had the scan done my mind went on weird and long overgrown paths. I contemplated life, and death, and what lies in between. I made sure that I had the contact details of my life insurance agents at hand in order to contact them if necessary. Late one night, when I could not sleep, due to discomfort and worry, I thought about my epitaph.  What would it be? And the words came to me...  "He worked himself to death".  Thinking about that, it shocked me, but I know it is true! He worked himself to death. I allowed work to consu...

The "what else"  from my jaundice bothered me a lot, because even after I returned to my normal colour, I still felt nauseous and had pains around my liver and pancreas, all pointing to possible serious pancreas problems. So I went for an abdominal sonar.  Had a good chat with the radiologist whilst she was dons the sonar. and the outcome: No strange bumps of lesions on my pancreas, kidneys are fine, spleen is fine, liver is fine but a bit fatty. gallbladder and bile tubes swollen. Conclusion: gallstone temporarily blocked the bile tubes and that caused the pain and nausea.  The stone went through but it left me quite yellow and sick. Now the bile tube and some of the pancreatic tubes are inflamed and I have to wait it out. Fortunately I got some good meds so I can eat and sleep again.

Wow, I have not felt like this in 15 years! I became violently nauseous last Saturday. I though I was back on a ship in stormy weather. You know, the kind of weather that throws you out of your sleeping bunk. But I was not at sea in stormy weather, I was at home, solid ground, far away from the coast! And I was what felt like seasickness on steroids ... A trip to the doctor, after I awoke from my fever induced slumber, and turned yellow, prompted some tests, with the possibility of me being under quarantine for having an infectious disease (Hepatitis A).  However, Hepatitis A proved to be negative, no infectious disease. So what now? What else can cause me to turn yellow and mimic a stormy ocean? The options I have are: a) gall stones, and b) and inflamed / diseased pancreas. I hope it is a) then the gall bladder can be removed. If it is b) then the options are not so clear, the medical journals talk about draining the fluids, about partial / full r...

And what is Life? An hour-glass on the run, A mist retreating from the morning sun, A busy, bustling, still-repeated dream. Its length? A minute's pause, a moment's thought. And Happiness? A bubble on the stream, That in the act of seizing shrinks to nought. And what is Hope? The puffing gale of morn, That of its charms divests the dewy lawn, And robs each flow'ret of its gem -and dies; A cobweb, hiding disappointment's thorn, Which stings more keenly through the thin disguise. And what is Death? Is still the cause unfound? That dark mysterious name of horrid sound? A long and lingering sleep the weary crave. And Peace? Where can its happiness abound? Nowhere at all, save heaven and the grave. Then what is Life? When stripped of its disguise, A thing to be desired it cannot be; Since everything that meets our foolish eyes Gives proof sufficient of its vanity. 'Tis but a trial all must undergo, To teach unthankful mortals how to prize That...

When I die… When I die when my coffin is being taken out you must never think i am missing this world don’t shed any tears don’t lament or feel sorry i’m not falling into a monster’s abyss when you see my corpse is being carried don’t cry for my leaving i’m not leaving i’m arriving at eternal love when you leave me in the grave don’t say goodbye remember a grave is only a curtain for the paradise behind you’ll only see me descending into a grave now watch me rise how can there be an end when the sun sets or the moon goes down it looks like the end it seems like a sunset but in reality it is a dawn when the grave locks you up that is when your soul is freed have you ever seen a seed fallen to earth not rise with a new life why should you doubt the rise of a seed named human have you ever seen a bucket lowered into a well coming back empty why lament for a soul when it can come back like Joseph from the well when for the last time y...

Today we went visit a family member that is in the terminal stage of cancer. She was always a great hostess and made sure that when you visit, you lack nothing, and she is trying to ensure that it still happens, even if she is bedridden and cannot feed herself. She make sure that you lack nothing, that you eat enough and that you have enough soda or coffee to drink and cookies to eat. But to see her like that, at 35kg, not able to feed herself, is heart breaking. But in her words, "I do not want anybody to say that they did not enjoy the visit, do not cry...". But for Wehan it was too much, he chatted with her a bit and then started crying and retreated to the car where he stayed for the rest of the day. Marnus on the other hand sat at the end of the bed at times and held her hand. He is like Hanlie, full of compassion and not afraid to show it. I did not like it, I saw my own mother pass on like that when I was 12 and I still do not like to see that. But she is rea...