From my heart

I came across this post from Bryan Ward this morning: Every day you are beaten :  Beaten by the leaky sink you keep avoiding. Beaten by the applesauce on the wall you keep not scrubbing off. Beaten by the dent in the drywall you keep putting off fixing. You long to conquer mountains, yet every day you are beaten by molehills. All these little problems… they should be so easily solved. Yet they go on defeating you, day after day, until at last you conclude that you are not a capable man: If you are this easily defeated, “surely” you do not have what it takes to win the bigger fights: to become your fittest self, to create a business empire, to create works of art that will outlast you. Hell, you can’t even fix a leaky sink: might as well f*** off and go watch TV. But you’ve misdiagnosed the problem entirely. … One summer day when I went into the workshop, I saw that the plastic gas cans by the tractor were bulging like balloons. I had left the vents closed, and the hea...

It is easy to become discouraged and depressed, when we look at the recent shootings in France, the State Capture in Southern Africa, the seemingly carefree spending and corruption of governments, Europe being over-run by demanding asylum seekers. Where is this going to end? Is it ever going to end or are we hurtling towards another war? Many doomsday preachers say that the end of the world is close. I do not know if it is, too many people have said it is through the ages. However, when we look at certain scriptures it certainly does look like it: Matthew 24   6"You will be hearing of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not frightened,    for those things must take place, but that is not yet the end.    7"For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and in  various places there will be famines and earthquakes.… It also said in this chapter that the end will not come until the Good News has been preached...

Christmas is the time of year when families get together and have fun. It is the time when billions are spent by consumers, succumbing to the perfect marketing strategies of the chain stores, just to bring 'joy' to the world!  Christmas is also the most lonely time for the elderly, homeless and orphaned. While we enjoy our meals and presents, please remember those that have not, and remember what the "Joy to the world" actually means.

Recently, (the past year) I started cooking more and more, not only the basic home food, but some complicated dishes as well. And I enjoy it, I find it relaxing. When I am busy preparing something, I do not have time to thing about anything else. Cooking sort of became a necessity because my wife got provincial colours in Taekwondo and is preparing to attend the World Championships. She would take the meat out of the fridge in the afternoon, or start the dish and quite often I would prepare what I like or finish off the dish, ready when they return from their training session in the evening. But my cooking did not start off by accident. I spent two years in Mozambique as an expat where I had to cook for myself, and there I learnt the usefulness of a slow-cooker. Then in June 2014 I experienced a episode of burn-out. Big Time! Burn-out occurs when you are under prolonged stress and is characterised by total exhaustion, (physical, emotional and mental). You tend to loose interest ...

I had an interesting conversation last Saturday morning with someone that crossed my path. During our chat, it turned out that he is an undertaker, and he is a deeply spiritual person. He told me that every time he conducts a funeral he is reminded of his destination as a human (body).  He does not know where he is on the road, but he (all of us) are getting closer. When old people die, we sort of know that they have reached the end of their road, we are shocked and mourn them, but we expect it. When someone young dies, it comes as a shock, especially when they are about 20 years younger than you. It is more of a shock when you have worked with the person and have seen him every day. When it is a person from the office, you realize that his chair will fore-ever be empty, he will not be there to joke around. Seeing him, huddled over his laptop churning out reports for management and clients, no more. When it is a car-accident, it is sort of acceptable, it happens, there ar...

And what is Life? An hour-glass on the run, A mist retreating from the morning sun, A busy, bustling, still-repeated dream. Its length? A minute's pause, a moment's thought. And Happiness? A bubble on the stream, That in the act of seizing shrinks to nought. And what is Hope? The puffing gale of morn, That of its charms divests the dewy lawn, And robs each flow'ret of its gem -and dies; A cobweb, hiding disappointment's thorn, Which stings more keenly through the thin disguise. And what is Death? Is still the cause unfound? That dark mysterious name of horrid sound? A long and lingering sleep the weary crave. And Peace? Where can its happiness abound? Nowhere at all, save heaven and the grave. Then what is Life? When stripped of its disguise, A thing to be desired it cannot be; Since everything that meets our foolish eyes Gives proof sufficient of its vanity. 'Tis but a trial all must undergo, To teach unthankful mortals how to prize That...

When I die… When I die when my coffin is being taken out you must never think i am missing this world don’t shed any tears don’t lament or feel sorry i’m not falling into a monster’s abyss when you see my corpse is being carried don’t cry for my leaving i’m not leaving i’m arriving at eternal love when you leave me in the grave don’t say goodbye remember a grave is only a curtain for the paradise behind you’ll only see me descending into a grave now watch me rise how can there be an end when the sun sets or the moon goes down it looks like the end it seems like a sunset but in reality it is a dawn when the grave locks you up that is when your soul is freed have you ever seen a seed fallen to earth not rise with a new life why should you doubt the rise of a seed named human have you ever seen a bucket lowered into a well coming back empty why lament for a soul when it can come back like Joseph from the well when for the last time y...

This week I am thinking a lot about family. All of us are born to a biological family, but not all of us belong to our biological families. Some of us grew up with our biological families, but never became friends, some of us grew up with adopted families, some of us never had families to call our own. Families are also not always a safe place, look at Cain killed Abel, Jacob stole from Esau.   But it is not always blood and DNA that makes us family.  Family are those that accepts you, that want you in their lives, that love you, that support you. Take care of your family!

You know you are stressed and need to switch off when you have nightmares about work on your second night of leave!!!

Just as we had dinner this evening, the power went out ... load shedding! So we lit the candles, and switched on the emergency light in the kitchen. Before long the laptop batteries ran out, and a while later the cellphone batteries. So there we were, just like when I was a kid, on the farm, no power, no lights and only ourselves to keep us busy. The kids got bored quickly, there were no tech to keep them busy. I was fine, because no phone and no internet meant that I could not respond to support calls. (blessing in disguise). It is fine, but this was the second night in a row, last night we had an impromptu braai, with friends of my wife and the kids had friends to keep them busy. So what brought us to this?  When I was a kid, in the rural areas, any flicker of lightning would cause a black-out. But it was not an issue then. We were prepared for it. And we were not so utterly dependent on technology to keep ourselves busy. Our electricity provider, in the las...

I love trees, even since I was small. They provide shade to rest under, branches to climb and explore. Trees at old homesteads contain a treasure trove of captured items, like the bike below (not my photo). Trees provide rest for the soul, trees provide life, trees are life! : Trees BY JOYCE KILMER I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree. A tree whose hungry mouth is prest Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast; A tree that looks at God all day, And lifts her leafy arms to pray; A tree that may in Summer wear A nest of robins in her hair; Upon whose bosom snow has lain; Who intimately lives with rain. Poems are made by fools like me, But only God can make a tree . But sometimes, trees are subject to the elements of nature, to floods, to fire, and they get burnt, and hurt and broken.  Sometimes the trees survive, sometimes not. But those that survive recover slowly, shedding dea...

A couple of weekends ago I spent almost the whole weekend at J akaranda Childrens Home  in Pretoria, South Africa. Friday evening I watched my family members participate at the TTA Development Tournament that was hosted there, and Saturday I cooked about 17kgs of boerewors for boerewors rolls (hot-dogs).  There is a development program for the Children's Home kids called  Defend with Integrity . On Friday evening I watched the kids participate, and on Saturday I saw them outside the hall. Some were participating in the Taekwondo tournament, some were playing rugby in the open area and there was one or two that was hanging around the braai and pancake area. It took a lot of self control not to give in to the emotional manipulation, to dish out boerewors rolls. But it was not easy, these are children, that do not have much. These are children that probably envy those that have a family and a stable house to live in. These are children that are put to...

Being real! I just love this video! It is real on so many levels! The world expects of us as Christians to act like monks and nuns. Cloistered away, no use to the world. But this nun surprised the judges (world)! As Christians we should be the salt of the earth, not hidden away, living among the people, showing them that we are real, that we are not holier-than-thou, that we are still human. However, we have one difference, we know God.

This is a date the world will never forget. A remembrance that started on 11 September 2001. I, however, started remembering 9/11 in 1975. The day my mother died. She looked so frail, yet strong in that hospital bed.  I was 12 at the time, and I was crying when I came into the room. She looked at me and said "Don't cry, I am not dead yet". As I stood next to her bed, she comforted me as only a mother could. When it was time to go home, I greeted her and said I will see her the next day. It was the last time that I saw her, she passed away early the next morning. My dad stayed with her, and just before she slipped away early in the morning, she quoted Psalm 23. And then she was gone. She had time to prepare, she knew she was sick for almost 7 months, and she went gracefully, as a mother should. Most of the people in the World Trade Centre did not even have 7 minutes, and the world remembers this day. And I remember this day. 11 September 1975. The d...

How do we handle loss? Because after 40 years I still do not know. Three people in our company lost their parents in the last 2 months. My father-in-law heard yesterday that his sister has terminal cancer. And all of them are hurting, those that lost their parents and those that have to say goodbye. I know all the stages of grief, but that does not help me. I was 12 when my mom died and 14 when my dad passed away, and I did not know what to do. There were no counselors and help. Only years later did I learn about the stages of grieving. Did not help me then and I still am not sure if it will help me now. But for what it is worth, here it is: Denial, numbness and shock . Yes, I was in shock, I mean I was still a child.  Bargaining . I did not know about bargaining, therefore no. Depression . Thinking back, I must have been depressed at the time. My school marks did not change, I am a natural loner, so there was nothing different there. Anger . Was I a...

I sit with a dilemma! I was in Mozambique when the Gauteng e-toll raucous started, so I did not give it any serious thought.But I am back in South Africa now. To get to the office I have to take the high-way (e-tolled) or I have to drive through town (I live on the other side of town). I drove through town for a couple of months, avoiding the toll-roads. Then recently I took the high-way. ... and my fuel consumption dropped dramatically. I made a couple of calculations and found that the cost of my fuel consumption through town exceeds the cost of peak hour e-tolls. So I started taking the high-way meaning that I will be billed for using it. ... and just this is my dilemma. Thousands of people in Gauteng are apposed to e-tolling and refuse to pay their e-toll bills. The reasons cited are: the Government implemented the e-toll system without proper consultation (which I believe is true) . the Government did not consider other alternatives (I am sure that they may have...

I try to be honest and true to my feelings, therefore I write what I feel at the time. As such what I write may contradict each other over a period of time. But that is me, my feelings may change, my perceptions may change and my situation may change. At this stage I am searching, looking, listening and analyzing. For me it is a way of healing, a way of getting rid of the clutter in my mind as I had a burn-out episode two months ago. In a way it is like sorting through and cleaning up a crashed hard drive.

October 2013: Marnus attacked  He glanced back, jumped into the car and locked the door! I felt him squeezing my hand, holding it tightly. Glancing around, who is behind us, who is in front of us, not leaving my side. He has nightmares, does not sleep well. Has a sudden fascination with weapons and shooting games. What brought such a change to my son? Why did this change happen? How could an 8 year old be targeted? held at knife point, searched, ransacked, what for? For R20! To scar him for live! I know that the statistics say that one in 4 in SA was a victim of crime, but a child, in broad daylight, in front of the school? Outrageous! For a while I really really struggled with my emotions! I had a hard time to accept, but then God reminded me ".. revenge is Mine says the Lord...".

Maputo 25/12/2013 Windows of the soul! I saw their eyes when I rounded the corner. They stopped, and I watched them lest they step in front of the car. And in a moment I saw their eyes... And their eyes were truly the windows to their souls! Their longing laid wide open as a feast on a table.. I saw their envy, fear ... I saw their struggle, to eat, to live, to go to school Two friends, on the way somewhere, the beach maybe, with a lifetime in their eyes, in a moment!