PTSD... or just being human?

Lynn Muller, an old Defense Force friend posted a Poem by Dawid Lotter about the South African Border War in Namibia.

It describes a military operation in Angola where a South African Infantry Ratel was shot out by a Tank. Only 2 or 3 of the troops in the Ratel survived. When they cleared the Ratel later, they found two hands clasped together, body-less, hands of friends.

It reminded me of the camaraderie, friendship and closeness we formed in the "army" and our time on the "border"

I read the poem, it is brilliantly written. And I experienced fear, apprehension, hopelessness, anger. I wanted to stop reading, shut out the images and feelings, I developed a head-ache.

I wondered what is happening to me.

Then I realized that this was the first thing I read about the "Border War" in about 17 years. I was in the South African Defense Force from 1981 till 1997 and I spent a lot of time on the "Border", and on "Operations" and even more time in the "States" at the training squadron and then as a Staff Officer at Directorate Signals.

With all my time on "Operations" I was fortunate never to be in a direct contact, I always seemed to miss the contacts with minutes, so there is no logical reason for me having PTSD. I enjoyed my time in the "army" and the friendships I made there.

However, I never looked back when I left the Defense Force. I did not attend re-union functions, I did not join associations, and I did not read about the "Border War' and I could not watch any videos about the "Border War". This was the first thing read, and it was upsetting.

One thing that came to the fore in the last decade was PTSD (Post-traumatic stress syndrome) but not much was written about South African troops, most of the writings relate to American troops.

It made me think, I never saw or even heard about a debriefing of the troops, individually or in groups by trauma staff. In our time it did not exist, I am not sure if it is being done today.

I wonder how many of the troops of the time are like me, shying away from the experience, or band together, talking about it and reliving the experience? But do we ever really talk about how we feel, how we emotionally experienced it?

Whichever way, we are all touched and changed by our period in the Defense Force. We formed friendships, experienced good times and bad times, but we had to go through it, and we sit with that memory for life. Some of us just cope better than others ...