Dealing with Trauma Loss and Grief

How do we handle loss? Because after 40 years I still do not know. Three people in our company lost their parents in the last 2 months. My father-in-law heard yesterday that his sister has terminal cancer. And all of them are hurting, those that lost their parents and those that have to say goodbye.

I know all the stages of grief, but that does not help me. I was 12 when my mom died and 14 when my dad passed away, and I did not know what to do. There were no counselors and help. Only years later did I learn about the stages of grieving. Did not help me then and I still am not sure if it will help me now. But for what it is worth, here it is:

Denial, numbness and shock. Yes, I was in shock, I mean I was still a child. 

Bargaining. I did not know about bargaining, therefore no.

Depression. Thinking back, I must have been depressed at the time. My school marks did not change, I am a natural loner, so there was nothing different there.

Anger. Was I angry? I am not sure, angry at whom? The doctors that did not pick up my mom's cancer quickly enough? My dad that did not take care of his health? My step-family that did not understand me (at least that is how I felt). No I was not angry, at least I did not feel angry.

Acceptance. Acceptance comes with time, sometimes never. Sometimes it becomes a fact of life, an unchangeable law of nature, we all must die one day. It will happen whether we accept it or not.

As an Aspie I did not know my feelings, I did not know what to feel. Therefore still today I do not know how to handle grief or how to support someone that is grieving. 

What do you say to someone that just lost a friend, a parent, brother or sister? Nothing you say can make them feel better. Even if we experienced loss, we cannot say that we know how they feel. Their loss is different to our loss, they are hurting but they experience it different from us. Personally I will go crazy if they faff around me and constantly talk to me. But I will be there if they want to talk, and cry and rage.

So how do you handle loss, or grief?

For me, be honest about what you are feeling, accept that you can hurt, that you can be angry, that you can shout and rage, and that you have to say goodbye. If you want to talk to someone, find someone. If you want to be alone, then be alone. And do not feel guilty about moving on.